I just read over my previous post at this time last year about what I wished for my New Year. A time where I was celebrating newness: a new home, a new family, new traditions and ways to work.
I wished to find my most authentic Self.
It's funny to read that now, because I have found a more authentic way of living, found my Self. It cost me things I hadn't thought that I wanted to give up, things I truly thought were already a part of me, but were necessary to lose in order to find myself in a place where I could truly accept me in all my imperfect glory.
It cost me trying to do everything at once. It cost my tight rein on control as my children start to explore the world more and more on their own terms and make decisions that aren't necessarily mine. It cost me saying "yes" every time I was approached to do more work (looking at my calendar, well, I guess I am still working on that one). It also cost me my marriage: I discovered being true to myself couldn't bear up in the relationship I had placed myself into, no matter the feelings. I made a choice to hurt another person I never thought I would ever think of hurting in such a way. But I did. They say the ends justify the means...I can only hope for truth in that statement.
However, all I can do is look forward and look for ways to stay present. Watch my niblets and my gardens grow. Put my words down when I feel the time is right. Not worry about the dirty dishes, but scrub the bathroom sink because I have to right now. Make choices to live the simpler, greener way I wish, but not fault myself for having to make other choices in need of convenience. Find love in the most obliviously obvious (to me, anyways) places and people.
Stay authentic. Stay My Self.